I'm trying so hard not to fall apart, but I am, I am .. This is difficult now, because that is the truth.
I'm scared and I am tired to do so, as I had none. I'm scared and am sorry that no one understands. I think together. I consider myself more firmly together with each piece, breaking it. I think together.
The last few weeks, indeed the last few months I have tried to heal me. I tried to accept that every wound is deeper when it is thrown open again. 'm Trying to understand that each injury needs time to heal. I tried to give me and my wounds this time. But I can not ignore the pain, I can not run away from him, but I can not even cure times. I have to learn to live with him. I need to learn that he is a part of my life, a part of my self. And above all I have to learn that he is not my life. I'm trying to make my pain. But I fail. Fail again and again and again and again.
I am no one to share his pain. I am no one wants others to know of my pain. I do not want pity. I do not have any more sympathy. In my life I was teased, kicked, pushed, spat on, pelted and insulted. I've already recognized as a child that it is worse when you show his pain. This one shows more area. More space means more suffering. I will not face any more. I do not know what was the worst or is. The insults and violence or the compassionate eyes of others. I do not know what hurts more. I am sorry to think about it. I am sorry to be who I am. I am sorry that I have myself made me.
I know that many of my problems are not really problems. I know that I can dramatize. That they are not simply necessary are. I know that I'm fine would have. I know I should be content with my life. I know that my pain is nothing compared to others. Yes, I suffer. Yes, I hurt. Yes, I hurt. Yes, I have lost and will also lose. But what does this mean? That's part of being human. It is one of them and many are clearly in order to accept it and live a good life. Why must I be so weak and it can not? Why I can not even be as strong as I want to be? I should not suffer as I do. I should not because I have no reason, indeed no right. I should be good to go.
Thomas is right when he says that there are people in my life, wishing that I feel good. I know that I wish I could go well. Just for them. But I can not bear it. I can not stand the pain, personal injury, the grief, disappointment, loss, and even the burdens of others, and I bear my burdens. I endure all this. But I can not stand it when someone my pain, my suffering, my burdens with. I bear everything but that. Can you blame me for that? Can we say that it is wrong? Everyone can not bear anything. Each has its weak point. And this is mine and I allow myself. Maybe - probably - I'm broke it. Allow me this is a weakness, the other by me united. He sums it up.
And as long as I have this weakness, I will never be able to maintain friendships and relationships to lead. I know that one must communicate. You must give and take. There must be a balance. It must. But as long as I keep this balance can not, can not build, I will be alone. This knowledge is bitter, but true.
I thought long ago that I would long since have broken long ago broken, powerless and at the end. But now I know it will never get that far. I'm always a little bit more break, always go a bit more broken. But I will never stop completely. Not because I do not want or can break. I'm not ready. I am not prepared to be at the end, for every end is a beginning. I am not prepared to start over. And I will continue to keep me together, even though I break. I will keep myself together.