Cursed
Why do I feel always so hilfllos? So damn helpless? I have to look tired and just help to have the desire to, and can not do anything. No matter how much I would like to see, no matter how hard I try to hope, to believe ... again and again, always and again I am thrown back behind the glass wall and can again be seen only once in the front row.
to see, you know how stupid that is? How much I hate it?
I think it is no longer stuck in the role where help is such a scarce commodity. So I hope help me in one direction, which I will never never never never get back because I've installed giant Vollidotin me. And the help I get, can not help it. Where is there justice? Then I
try to help as much, again, again and again and yet I can not, I am not able to do so, I am too weak, can empathize with me, whatever. I can not!
If I did not already did, I would despair of me. I just have the incredible talent that make little luck, that's brought me to break. Easy to destroy. I'm really, clearly a masochist. Pain, suffering, grief, this is my world. I can only exist if I can suffer. Should I be happy, then only for a very short duration. I can not bear the happiness and the happiness I can not bear.
Where others have a survival instinct, as I have a self-destructive impulse. My past is the purest, cruel misery, my presence is more than pathetic, and my future is a huge black hole that makes life impossible.
displacement is not a solution and actually not even a possibility, but I have to do it so I can make something that calls live. I can not expect others to stand it to be permanently konfrontriert with my suffering, if they still have their own problems and a life. I can not lean on others, I can not.
empty, cold, lonely, helpless, lost corrupt, desperate, abandoned, injured confused, fragile, pathetic, weak, incompetent, unloved, hard, hateful, impossible, anxious, panicky, trapped, locked.
That's me. Damn.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Monday, February 18, 2008
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So slowly I have the feeling that I burst with a loud bad conscience.
I can not always .... man!
manure is not.
Friday, February 8, 2008
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Walking on sunshine .... Getting lost
So that must now be firmly held views be after, I think it maybe not.
This weather makes me, blending, I'm soooo incredibly good mood that one should be afraid and anxious. But grapeshot! is not it.
Maybe I just tired, maybe I'm just happy times at last what used to be home. My opinion is that all the same anyway and I enjoy it just now, huh? It really is that nice weather, my window is wide open and the heat (I can not say it often enough) wind brushed against me. I shall take lots of pictures. Oh yes, I am looking forward to it.
I want you to want me, right?
This feeling is like no other.
Oh you, guys, I know that this does not really have much content, but it just had to get out again. I am energy-charged as Hippel and perfect. I'm driving myself crazy
.
Now I jump even between languages.
I listen better.
Merci.
So that must now be firmly held views be after, I think it maybe not.
This weather makes me, blending, I'm soooo incredibly good mood that one should be afraid and anxious. But grapeshot! is not it.
Maybe I just tired, maybe I'm just happy times at last what used to be home. My opinion is that all the same anyway and I enjoy it just now, huh? It really is that nice weather, my window is wide open and the heat (I can not say it often enough) wind brushed against me. I shall take lots of pictures. Oh yes, I am looking forward to it.
I want you to want me, right?
This feeling is like no other.
Oh you, guys, I know that this does not really have much content, but it just had to get out again. I am energy-charged as Hippel and perfect. I'm driving myself crazy
.
Now I jump even between languages.
I listen better.
Merci.
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