Five Times August / Smile Empty Soul
"We shall find peace. We will listen to the angels and see the sky sparkling with diamonds. "
Maybe I'm like Norah. Maybe I'm talking only about making what I want and do not want to do, what I can and can not, and what absolutely does not fit into my life and what I really want to have in my life. Even the stupid idea with the Christmas-If I had, and that just because a stupid moment determined before 5 years. If not longer.
But whenever it comes to action on my part. If I skip steps do if I need to breathe words of which I am afraid. Every time I disappear. Protective wall. Latch, shell. I'm tight. Whenever I had the opportunity to even the slightest chance to change something.
The thing bobs up with Sarah to herself. You is of the opinion, especially since our Christmas Eve that we get everything back into balance. And I just attacked by her feel, because it puts so much more to it. They probably will never understand.
And now, is very close to the end of this year everything to me one, I lost. Daniela. Sarah, my heart, my soul, my mind, my sister, my family, and I'm about to lose even Anne. I will say that I stay, I will never go. But I feel I must. I can not stay longer, I can not stay longer and they violate it. I'm just not the person I would like to be for them. I am not the person she sees me in the hope that it really is. Whenever I try, I can not take this picture of me maintained. And I can not stand the pain any more if I destroy their hopes, their beliefs. I can not continue to let them down and expect that I can always go back.
I also really miss Pepe. Without knowing it has kept me as I staggered. I was torn from my feelings and just gave me a little rest. It is simply wonderful with her. No complicated feelings, no questions without answers, but simply being.
Monday, December 29, 2008
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Plan B Spotting Before Period?
entfall @ 2008-12-09T14: 54:00
I do not remember when I was the last time you felt really alive, the old familiar painful tendons I would burst the body, uncontrollable images and words and music to shred-like rash ill in a wild sequence rampant in my brain.
There's just emptiness and constant aimless inner turmoil - which is probably in the spirit of Fromm's lack of productivity and amplified by the single excitation and still all that unused lasting effect of nicotine, the all voltages are not deflected goal-directed (left out, acted out) and thus remain in a 'dam itself and wear down.
If I could only bring myself to doing something and not always so stark was tired (physically and mentally), but is probably all the many theoretical possibilities nothing more than my imagination, like a free will that decides and it selects Perhaps Schopenhauer is right: but what do I know already, that's me all too high.
I do not remember when I was the last time you felt really alive, the old familiar painful tendons I would burst the body, uncontrollable images and words and music to shred-like rash ill in a wild sequence rampant in my brain.
There's just emptiness and constant aimless inner turmoil - which is probably in the spirit of Fromm's lack of productivity and amplified by the single excitation and still all that unused lasting effect of nicotine, the all voltages are not deflected goal-directed (left out, acted out) and thus remain in a 'dam itself and wear down.
If I could only bring myself to doing something and not always so stark was tired (physically and mentally), but is probably all the many theoretical possibilities nothing more than my imagination, like a free will that decides and it selects Perhaps Schopenhauer is right: but what do I know already, that's me all too high.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Cheap Dartboard Stands
entfall @ 2008-12 - 03T01: 47:00
I wonder why it is that I somehow always have the feeling of falling out of the frame to fit anywhere.
full well I actually see myself with similar solitary people, but this I know not so many, and also is offered by no means all.
No matter how objective I am approaching the matter go and I try to prove the contrary, the feeling remains. And I understand's just not easy.
This is not something I imagining me in a fit of sentimental romance late adolescence or in the course of my höchstindividualisierten self-concept is certain, but simply an impression. Purely emotional. And it's not as if I was the belief that the events of my life anyway highly refined interior is no one able to understand. Individuation concerns what counts in any more or less, the fact that it can not I got that. But I can
get where I want to do with who also always have, the result is and will remain mostly the same, repeatedly.
would be possible that it is somehow of my personality because I am perhaps too complex (even in areas that are mutually exclusive for others) and unstable (always in flux ) and then somehow I always think social social-interpersonal causes death - because these features now make it even difficult to assess a deal with one. I think. I do not hold that the so irrefutably determined is who you are. And often I have rather the impression that this definition and is forced down a social component to ensure the stability, that it is more likely to order and structure: stability and reliability now awaken once more the impression of security.
In the end, everything is just back to me, as always, were arrogance, aloofness and lack of integration and are constantly accused me even rumored, maybe I should separate myself not always and everywhere - but damn , based on most people I happen to have not the slightest problem with my usual Loneliness. Only be about exactly this setting is the problem because I have too few opportunities ...
If I approach it, I could get involved on people where is the start pretty sure that nothing is more likely (because the differences are too serious to be found), but perhaps one looks forward even in the retrospect, however, know the person to have learned (you can not learn something from each? what do I know already from the relevant people), so sometimes there are problems ... I know it just is not easy. Must select one does not always? Because in every relationship you put right on time and energy, and I myself need very simple no mere''contacts''with no depth - either all or nothing. What's
. For me there is just nothing that has not been proven on closer examination to be highly complex, and my''solutions''I think after all not just the tried and trusted paths, in the range of what is as well as normal'',''common and consistently considered and what is generally acknowledged to be and be perceived as seems appropriate.
But if this is so, then how can I probably nothing in the classical sense (company) are Fit-out people, because I will always and everywhere somewhere will offend and irritate, as long as I want to stay reasonably authentic. But that may depend really on environment.
'm here since I moved here, everything is somehow more and more out of control if you want to call it so's I can find that an increasing neglect of me. My life is becoming more unstructured and disorganized, and it is as if my inhibitions fall increasingly in terms of so much destructive, what I - mixed with some boiled-defiant, cold indifference - somehow always anti- social power. It does not matter to much more easily, is so desperate should account for all the things that a normal, regular and orderly life - irrelevant and unimportant, it is more and more. But that was probably once again in sight because of the sudden unaccustomed self-determination here and I'm probably even more suited to this because I am my standing under the influence of my right in this respect rather unpleasant past, not simply because nature appears to me useless forced rules will stop and let me in completely arbitrary bounded random press-occurring areas. And typically is again anyway my reaction to all the merriment, almost the enjoyment of the progressive destruction and Decay, well. considered
in the performance or from the outside appears so everything is always so much grandiose than the reality - that kind of life, diversity and so on. In truth, in my opinion, more of a necessity arising from the personality, and of course it is thus often a more or less bad. But it has just all the advantages and disadvantages. And if you want everything, you get probably stop everything, with all the bells and whistles, all suffering and all pain - intensity is probably (at least for me and with me) always ambivalence may only possible in any direction, and probably rarely healthy, well then is probably the center, balance and all that (but do not you think that you could live in this intense form without the constant destructive? connotation or do you put intensity with intensity over the same? Why must everything always be just so endlessly complicated, how do I supposed to go as far as I can, should, must? Or will ... Somehow it just never enough, perhaps because something else entirely, Basic is missing). Oh what the heck, you just have to decide, but that was always and everywhere (and I It can therefore not troztdem better).
Sometimes the desire for the crossing and also overcoming the last barriers separating so strong that I am ironically reminded of Freud's idea of the death drive feel to return to the''urge to inorganic and inanimate, quest for distraction and binding resolution.''
be re-ground ... One with the heavens melted into nothing, cancel all limits.
Anyway, it goes again.
'nough said.
I wonder why it is that I somehow always have the feeling of falling out of the frame to fit anywhere.
full well I actually see myself with similar solitary people, but this I know not so many, and also is offered by no means all.
No matter how objective I am approaching the matter go and I try to prove the contrary, the feeling remains. And I understand's just not easy.
This is not something I imagining me in a fit of sentimental romance late adolescence or in the course of my höchstindividualisierten self-concept is certain, but simply an impression. Purely emotional. And it's not as if I was the belief that the events of my life anyway highly refined interior is no one able to understand. Individuation concerns what counts in any more or less, the fact that it can not I got that. But I can
get where I want to do with who also always have, the result is and will remain mostly the same, repeatedly.
would be possible that it is somehow of my personality because I am perhaps too complex (even in areas that are mutually exclusive for others) and unstable (always in flux ) and then somehow I always think social social-interpersonal causes death - because these features now make it even difficult to assess a deal with one. I think. I do not hold that the so irrefutably determined is who you are. And often I have rather the impression that this definition and is forced down a social component to ensure the stability, that it is more likely to order and structure: stability and reliability now awaken once more the impression of security.
In the end, everything is just back to me, as always, were arrogance, aloofness and lack of integration and are constantly accused me even rumored, maybe I should separate myself not always and everywhere - but damn , based on most people I happen to have not the slightest problem with my usual Loneliness. Only be about exactly this setting is the problem because I have too few opportunities ...
If I approach it, I could get involved on people where is the start pretty sure that nothing is more likely (because the differences are too serious to be found), but perhaps one looks forward even in the retrospect, however, know the person to have learned (you can not learn something from each? what do I know already from the relevant people), so sometimes there are problems ... I know it just is not easy. Must select one does not always? Because in every relationship you put right on time and energy, and I myself need very simple no mere''contacts''with no depth - either all or nothing. What's
. For me there is just nothing that has not been proven on closer examination to be highly complex, and my''solutions''I think after all not just the tried and trusted paths, in the range of what is as well as normal'',''common and consistently considered and what is generally acknowledged to be and be perceived as seems appropriate.
But if this is so, then how can I probably nothing in the classical sense (company) are Fit-out people, because I will always and everywhere somewhere will offend and irritate, as long as I want to stay reasonably authentic. But that may depend really on environment.
'm here since I moved here, everything is somehow more and more out of control if you want to call it so's I can find that an increasing neglect of me. My life is becoming more unstructured and disorganized, and it is as if my inhibitions fall increasingly in terms of so much destructive, what I - mixed with some boiled-defiant, cold indifference - somehow always anti- social power. It does not matter to much more easily, is so desperate should account for all the things that a normal, regular and orderly life - irrelevant and unimportant, it is more and more. But that was probably once again in sight because of the sudden unaccustomed self-determination here and I'm probably even more suited to this because I am my standing under the influence of my right in this respect rather unpleasant past, not simply because nature appears to me useless forced rules will stop and let me in completely arbitrary bounded random press-occurring areas. And typically is again anyway my reaction to all the merriment, almost the enjoyment of the progressive destruction and Decay, well. considered
in the performance or from the outside appears so everything is always so much grandiose than the reality - that kind of life, diversity and so on. In truth, in my opinion, more of a necessity arising from the personality, and of course it is thus often a more or less bad. But it has just all the advantages and disadvantages. And if you want everything, you get probably stop everything, with all the bells and whistles, all suffering and all pain - intensity is probably (at least for me and with me) always ambivalence may only possible in any direction, and probably rarely healthy, well then is probably the center, balance and all that (but do not you think that you could live in this intense form without the constant destructive? connotation or do you put intensity with intensity over the same? Why must everything always be just so endlessly complicated, how do I supposed to go as far as I can, should, must? Or will ... Somehow it just never enough, perhaps because something else entirely, Basic is missing). Oh what the heck, you just have to decide, but that was always and everywhere (and I It can therefore not troztdem better).
Sometimes the desire for the crossing and also overcoming the last barriers separating so strong that I am ironically reminded of Freud's idea of the death drive feel to return to the''urge to inorganic and inanimate, quest for distraction and binding resolution.''
be re-ground ... One with the heavens melted into nothing, cancel all limits.
Anyway, it goes again.
'nough said.
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